They told me to Celebrate William Shakespeare’s birthday by eating dessert before dinner! I’m confused. What could Shakespeare possibly have to do with breaking the dinnertime rules that my poor hardworking mother drilled into my head? I can hardly begin to consider how Ma would feel—they’re already telling me to Come for the food and stay for the discussion!

I don’t even know what the discussion is about. Maybe it’s about the food? But wait! I heard that There will be SUGAR JONES! Ok, so there are cookies, and maybe some discussion. But still, why does Shakespeare want me to eat dessert before dinner? No time to think—gotta go to the Mead! It’s DONUT DAY! DONUTS!!!

        No, no, no, I need to focus on my work. Alright, great, there’s a thesis writing session with Coffee and Donuts from 10pm to 6am! I care about my academics, so this is perfect. Now I need to show that I care about the College’s pedagogy, too, so it’s time for Pizza with the Curriculum Committee. Attendance was poor—I wonder why? Oh, right, everyone was at the Chipotle Chat instead. First years love Chipotle. Well, let me share my wisdom with them at the Career Center Mixer with free Fresh Side Tea Rolls!

And then maybe this weekend I’ll go to the Powerhouse, where there’s wings, pizza, & veggie platters for all.

        Ok, if I’m going to the Powerhouse, there’s a possibility that things could end up hot and steamy. I’d better go to Sex and Chocolate beforehand to prepare. Better yet, I should eat Kisses and learn about Consent! Alright, it’s the weekend—and Pizza will be served every half-hour! Turns out that was the only redeeming thing about last night—the Powerhouse bored me. Maybe I should question my sexuality, which I can do while eating this delicious-looking CAKE! Or perhaps I’ll just have Yummy Dessert Snacks at the crafts night next weekend instead of going out.

        Whew. I feel sick, and refreshments will be served, but they won’t make me feel any better. Maybe after the nausea passes, I’ll finally be able to figure out why Shakespeare wants me to break my mother’s dinner rules. I should give her a call. I sure do miss her home-cooked meals.