By TAPTI SEN
The weight I carry is—
Choice:
I taste dirt. I chew flesh. I pick at scabs. I gnaw at flesh like a dog that just can’t let go. I twirl my fork around tendrils of hair. I roll ice cubes on my tongue. I lick at my collarbones, prodding and probing like a—
Disorder:
Our natural imperative is to eat (see: basic biology), but
Starvation is in my blood (see: Bengal et al, 1974, 1943, 1770)
What the mind forgets, the body remembers. And this body, my body knows its—
History:
They say less food for South Asians
bodies adapted to famine But did you know?
1700 Mughal Bengal jewel of the empire until
Company came stripped us bare until
1770 no money they needed more so then
famine millions dead They (We) mourned
loss of revenue (lives) But we lived until
1943 ban on rice when Japan can steal so then
famine millions dead But we lived until
1974 mistake jute to Cuba U.S. stopped food
we apologized begged they said crying wolf so then
famine thousands millions unclear dead and now
20XX I light incense gather ash on my tongue seek forgiveness out of—
Guilt:
They were not meant to live. They were never meant to live. They lived; so now I can
Chomp, devour, consume, spit out, spew, heave, retch,
I was not meant to eat. I was never meant to eat. I ate; so now I can
Crave, famish, deprive, deny, hunger, suffer, starve,
My ancestors turn away. The incense stick burns out. A shrine in the dark, with only
A body, intent on eating itself alive
(A body that eats itself to— )
Surviv(e)(al):
I (am a product of my culture and)
I (have the choice so)
I (count) (shiver) (weigh)
eat. (live.)
the weight I carry.)
Writer | Tapti Sen ‘25 | tsen25@amhesrst.edu
Editor | Laura Almeida ‘25 | lalmeida24@amherst.edu